Gazzie. An obsessed music freak. 18 years of age.^_^. Long brown/black hair. Easily entertained. Skinny. Loud. Acclaimed Prince Gaz by Arwen! Member of the Unfortunate Family Tree and Secret Keeper of it as well. Lives in America, unfortunately. Owner of an iPod Touch. Is glomped everday! Born into this [world] on 12/19/1989 as it seems it be, Sagittarius. Member of [Slytherin].
I've been sitting here watching Duck Dynasty for a few hours writing some letters and realizing that I don't have class until Monday. I've been having a lot of classes cancelled this semester. It's been really weird. I feel like I haven't really been at school and it sucks being in a place where you don't really have much to do or seem like you have a purpose to be there.
My roommates comment on how much I talk about Atlanta in a negative tone. I didn't realize it at first but I do talk negative about Atlanta more now than I ever have before. There are a variety of reasons and for most I shouldn't complain. I should be more than happy because my time here is so much better than last school year and I'm saving a GREAT deal more money. I'm just more upset with life in the city now more than ever.
List of things to why I dislike Atlanta...
One of my roommates reminds me of my sister except in a permanent monthly woman thing cycle.
Two of my roommates often ignore me in many things. I thought we were friends but, actually, we don't really know each other well at all.
I don't have a current job.
I don't have any people that I can honestly call a friend that live near me.
Driving in Atlanta stresses me out when I can't find a parking spot.
I panic when a homeless person approaches me and tries to give me a sob story for money. Within the past two weeks a homeless guy threatened me and one threw a sucker on the ground in front of me. Needless to say I'm tired of seeing people not willing to help themselves out of poverty.
The people in my generation at my school are so spoiled.
I feel lonely in the city, all the time. I don't have any true friends here.
I don't like walking past people smoking or smelling smog from when the weather warms up.
I hate being in the centre of everything and not seeing as much green as I'm used to seeing.
I always thought I was a city person until I moved here to Atlanta.
The friendships that I've gained are only shallow, nothing deep—no one has time for that here.
My biggest pet peeve about my classmates at my school is how spoiled they are. A lot of them don't think about it because it's part of their culture. They were raised with a higher value of living and take everything for granted around them. It annoys me to great lengths when they have to wait for something. I feel inferior to them when I say how far we would have to drive to the nearest mall, Chick-Fil-A, or fancy restaurant. Atlanta people don't have the patience for waiting. They want things here and now. I feel that I'll never fit in because I don't amount to them financially or socially. I feel judged when I talk about what the South actually is, which is not an international Mecca. I feel belittled when I talk about my hometown. I feel stupid when people ask how long I've been in school. I feel even more judged whenever I mention anything about Disney and how it has changed my life. I feel rejected by many people because I don't see eye-to-eye with them on many things.
It weakens my spirit to see people that are spiritually strong do things that in my eyes look like people of the world. I may be looking at things too strict or just being whiny for no apparent reason. I hate it when people curse around me and drink around me. It makes me feel really weird when I see 'friends?' curse at times like a sailor but then they can speak in front of others about what Christ says in the Bible. Then see others drink to their merry hearts content and praise Jesus in front of others. I may be exaggerating and I may just be taking things too literal but it just drains my spirit. It confuses me and makes me feel weird.
Atlanta bores me. Atlanta is no Disney World, anyone could tell you that. "Home is where the heart is." My heart is not in this city. I feel no love here. I feel worry, pain, and self-destruction here. It's the first city that welcomed me to America. It's the first city to almost take my father's life away. It's the first city that almost took my parent's marriage away. It's the first city that I moved to away from home.
Atlanta is a place for the rich, young, and party scene. I don't fit into either. It's a city of black and white, not only race but of attire. It's a place of the old and older young. It's a place of weird food places but those are only enjoyable with people that want to know you and be around you. It's a place to risk your life just by walking down the street or driving through town.
I don't know why I came to Atlanta. I felt God call me here. That is the honest truth. I was so scared before I moved here and I have calmed down a great deal. God has definitely prepared me before allowing me to come here. He will never give you more than you can handle and that's true. God brought me to many places before allowing me to live in Atlanta for school. It's weird to see how His tests will be change you for the future.
I would probably like this city better if I had friends or people that wanted to know me. I'm being overdramatic. I can't wait to be finished with school here. I may be a city boy that's from the country but of a foreign nation but nothing will ever compare to the love of my hometown. Life is only worth living if you have someone to go on adventures with you and keep you company.
I took a semester off from school to do an amazing work paid internship at a magical company. The experience was mesmerizing and life changing. It was so hard to leave the people that became my friends in Atlanta. I admit to have crying over a lot of them because I missed them so much. I later befriended some pretty amazing people from across America and various countries around the world. These people became my Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family — no one getting left behind.
Arriving back to Atlanta, I was ecstatic to move in with friends that would become my roommates. I had made plans with them as soon as I was accepted to work at this magical company to room with them the next spring. Little did I know that I was getting myself into.
I came back to Atlanta during one of the nation's coldest recorded winter in about twenty years. I was stuck in the city during two snow and ice storms where I missed about two weeks of school. My apartment is situated in the centre of the city, where it is easy to just walk to school and I have a place to keep my car parked outside of my apartment. Things sound pretty great.
My roommates are cool, except one.
He complains about his life every day. He treats his roommates like poop when things don't go his way. He has mood swings larger than the ocean tides. He fails to do his weekly chores on time. He keeps his significant other over all the time, spending the night and showers with them. -_- Luckily, he has stopped doing the past two mentioned things since a roommate intervention meeting. He is so unorganized with life but somehow manages to get by. I don't understand his faith when he is a bit of a controversy. I don't understand. I strongly dislike how his actions are precisely like that of a sailor with rum and words. I also dislike his snappy attitude.
I have no problems with the roommate of this sentence. He's really chill and we get along and always have something to talk about, too bad he's always working.
I feel like I annoy this roommate a lot. I say that because I always ask for a ride with him from school to the apartment or just ride along on trips through town. I make him laugh, so I guess that's an even tradeoff? I never know when some things are too much nor too little.
This roommate I share a room with. It's weird how I'm older than him but he clearly acts the oldest and respectfully should. No one respects my age nor takes me seriously unless I get into a negative mood with people. We get along well but I just feel distant with him and always have been. I don't understand some things he does and...let me stop.
My roommates are awesome and I'm so glad to have them. If I did not have them I would probably have dropped out of GSU because of no where to go to for the school year.
I feel empty in Atlanta. I make myself smile by listening to Disney songs each day on my walk to school. I even smile at people as I pass. I feel content with my classes. I seriously do. I despise the readings for them though because I don't like reading huge books in such short periods of time.
I feel empty the most at the place where I felt loved the most. I walk in and people greet me with smiles but they only touch the surface of my being. There are so many new people here that they don't know me but then I think about it a step further, there aren't any people there that actually do know me. It saddens me to see friend groups already formed, even on this leadership team I'm apart of. I was a team leader and got demoted to a helper because of taking the fall semester off. I haven't been involved with any planning for this nor asked any opinion. I don't even know what's going on in the track I'm somewhat responsible for. I feel like dropping this leadership position because it has not much of a meaning to me anymore like most of the people at this place.
As I go to church, people that I know still see right through me it seems. I don't understand. I cried over some of these people because I hated that I would miss them and now that I'm back there is no feeling there. It is as if I never really came back, except only as an apparition. This is discouraging when I already feel so alone. I try to bond with people but I still don't get anything.
I'm constantly asked, "Why am I even at this school or in Atlanta?" That has thrown so much doubt into my system lately and has given me more grievance with this city. Why do I persist to be in a place that clearly does not want me to be there. The people that I thought I loved are pushing away or leaving. I just don't understand anything anymore. I apply for jobs in the area of the city because I found that I love working with people. I love putting smiles on people's faces. It's the only guaranteed connection that I can make with someone that feeds my thirst for human connection.
I thought I understood what family meant. I always thought it was friends because my real family hasn't been much of one for me besides my dad. My definition of family has completely changed again. I only have my Ohana and they are separated across the lands and seas.
Here I sit in my room. I should be happy right? I painted the walls a nice shade of dark cerulean blue a few years ago. It looks nice. I have some photos that I took printed on the walls. Other than these things, something is still missing.
I came home, thinking that it would be a good thing. I did not want to stay in a sucky apartment in Atlanta for a summer. I was worried about how I would pay for summer school. I knew that I only had enough money to cover my rent and utilities for the summer if I did stay in Atlanta. I had and still have no idea how I would have been able to afford school for the summer up there, even though it would have greatly helped me in the long run with finishing my education.
I guess I could have gotten a job up there. I really could have gotten a photography job but I didn't act on it like I should have done because I didn't want to stay there during the summer. I didn't want to stay in the city because I knew that I would be depressed, even if I found the money for summer school.
I thought coming home would be fun, especially seeing some people "friends". I didn't know what a friend was until I moved to Atlanta. The American Oxford Dictionary defines the word friend as "a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations". It also defines affection as "a gentle feeling of fondness or liking".
The people that I met in Atlanta gave me affection or made me feel liked, wanted, and most importantly loved. These were people that I went to church with, prayed with, and had Bible study with. I never felt the same feelings for people at home that I did the same things with. These people in Atlanta wanted to know me.
They wanted to know me...
Growing up with people for so many years, you get a sense that you know everyone. You think that you know their likes, ideas, background, and other things; especially in such a small town. I hate being home with people at church because they think that they know me but they never take initiative to ask who I am. They never ask what's going on with me. They never ask what I read in Scripture. They never want to hang out with me. They never invite me to things.
The only people that ever do any of those things are my "adopted" family at church. They take care of me, whenever they see me. I love them.
My friends from Atlanta would always try to get to know me. They would always make me feel included. I'm a shy person, especially around new people. They would stop their conversations if they saw that I wasn't joining in and staring off into space. They would try to talk to me.
They would try to talk to me.
That action meant so much to me. It never happened to me in my large group of "friends" back home at church. I would always just be the oddball out that people wondered why he didn't say anything.
I became part of a family in Atlanta. I left them. I came back to a foreign land. No one wanted me back. No one asked if I were coming back. People that I thought were friends in the previous college here or high school, didn't notice that I had left town. Even when I went to Atlanta, no one wanted to visit me. Not many people checked on me, only occasionally on Facebook.
I guess part of growing up is leaving your roots and making new friends and cutting off the ones that forget who you are. Others have done that statement to me, even when I know that I haven't changed in my relationship with them.
It breaks me inside so bad that I am cared for more by people that just met me a few months ago than by people that have known me for a number of years.
This summer has been adventurous and now is becoming boring. In May and June I got to vacation some in Florida, go as an adult chaperone to 4-H camp, and have friends drive from Atlanta to see me. Maybe I keep too much stuff built up inside of me but it brings me to tears to think about my friends that came to see me, after driving so far. I can't keep a dry face when I think about that action of them wanting to see me, even if they drove two and half hours to see me.
It tears me up inside because I never had anybody care about me so much before. I've never felt so loved by anyone before, except by these friends or rather, this family that I have in Atlanta. They honestly made the scary city of Atlanta feel like home for me. They had my back, kept me safe, and loved/cared for me like a family does. I'm lucky to find one person in this town that I grew up in that could equal any of these beautiful people.
I'm venting these thoughts out now because I just feel so alone. I don't have anyone to hang out with, text, or talk to. I feel that I'm becoming less human, if that is possible. I don't have anywhere to go except choir on Wednesdays and church on Sundays. I sit in the house and stalk Facebook, hoping someone will invite me to do something or want to talk with me. I get bored of watching the television, so I just stare at the wall for long periods of time. I spend time with my dogs or I play piano for an hour or longer.
I've been falling spiritually this summer. I guess coming back home, I've fallen into a black hole that has insnared me. I've been rebuilding my relationship with Christ lately. It's so difficult to do when so many people around me bring me down, instead of building me up in Christ like my family of friends from Atlanta. I'm proud of myself that I have made myself go to church but then again, it's been my only outlet to see people.
It always surprises me when people like stuff that I put on Facebook. I feel that people don't talk to me or engage any activity with me because of stuff I talk about. I hope no one thinks that I'm rich. I'm in so much debt from college already, that I'll probably never be able to pay it off. I wish that I could read minds but it's probably not a good thing. I would hear so many negative things that I'd probably end up in a bad place.
It's hard to keep a face full of life and energy on when so many people drain me. I have no outlet. No one here wants to see me. I feel so secluded. It's hard to hang out with any of my "friends" from church because I'm not part of their new group of friends. It's so awkward. I'm always the youngest person in choir and don't speak to hardly anyone but sing my heart out to the Lord. I'm never invited to anything really with people my age at church.
-----and I lost my train of thought because my mum came home. I feel better now. I'll feel even better after I wake up. Then I'll realize how boring my life is right then. Maybe I can make it better? I do need to cut the grass and then I'll wait and see if any other humans interact with me besides my mum. Eh, it probably won't happen but I'll live. I've been told that the most negative events in life build up your character. I'm no Eminem but I've got plenty of stories to tell.
Hey, here's me ranting on my life. Yeah, it's nothing new. It's not too exciting nor too happy.
People ask me what my biggest fear is and it has to be being alone forever. Why? I've always felt that since I was at a young age. We moved to the middle of Georgia when I was half way through my third year of life. We moved away from my mother's family and were hundreds of miles from my father's family. Why here? Father got the first job he could get after leaving the military. Looking back now, I wish he had stayed in it longer.
From time to time we would have two sets of my cousins visit us on my mother's side. I got to meet some cousins on my father's side when I was younger in Atlanta from Michigan. The only way I got to see them was when my uncle had to give a bone marrow blood transfusion to my dad when he was in the hospital for cancer treatment.
The only reason I got to see my aunts around Columbus growing up was when my mother would drop my sister and I off at one of their houses for the weekend while she went to Atlanta to see my dad in the hospital.
I couldn't see my mother's side of the family much after my dad got better from his chemo treatments. My mother had many arguments with her sister and so we didn't see them much. Only one of my aunts came to visit us several times. My granny visited once or twice with one of my aunts.
My grandparents on my dad's side would come at least once every year until my grandfather passed away in 2000. I wish that I had gotten to know him better and longer. He may have been able to teach me French. My grandmother can't drive because she never learned how to drive a car and fears getting lost.
I've only gotten to meet most of my cousins on my dad's side twice in my memory. They have been times when we were able to make it to Michigan.
It breaks my heart that I never get to have family experiences with my aunts/uncles or cousins. I don't know how it is to stay with family for a weekend or hangout and be friends with cousins. I know my family well enough to dislike them like many people I know do with their families. I wish that I knew my family like others know theirs.
It makes me sick when I see friend's hating on people in their family, hating their aunts/uncles and cousins. I wish that I knew mine.
Since last year I began a quest to research my family tree. I had no idea whom I was related to. The only thing that I can say for sure is that it has made me feel farther away from those that I share the same blood with. My sister doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't have anyone to share this information with besides my parents.
Blah. Over time, I've had to learn that the only family I truly do have are the friends that are in my life. Honestly, this list of "true" friends is extremely small. People take advantage of me so much that it hurts. It's hard for me to trust. It's hard for me to see trust or good in most people.
I've gotten called so many names growing up, bullied somewhat, and even considered an outcast at times. It's gotten worse especially since college. My sister argues with me constantly. She reminds me how worthless I am to her.
I can't tell others how I feel about things because I know that I would destroy their mood for the day. Yeah, so what I have a crappy home/family life but yeah I still manage to laugh at life and smile about it. When there are so many people that have a FAR better life than me and get upset from something so mundane. Blah.
I fear being alone because so many have avoided contact with me. So many have ignored me. So many just don't want to have to do anything with me. I still move on, ahead with life. I still make fun. I still somehow make friends. Those friends that I keep are my family. It's sad to say that sometimes that family of friends hurts me. It sucks, the worst feeling ever.
Bleh. This entry sounds so emo like high school times. You can't bottle up every ship in a storm though to keep on display. I wish I knew what a family is and how it works. I wish I knew the relationships of a family. I wish I knew what love of a family feels like.
I just feel like I came to Earth to live and only know the people that I see face to face. It upsets me to discover that I'm related by blood to some incredible people but they don't want to have anything to do with me. It upsets me to know that I'll probably end up alone forever. I can't talk to most people about things that interest me because it bores them and is unrelated to them. I'm a people pleaser and it sucks.
Blah. One day this ship will retire of the seas and live on land of a bounty of amazing love. This ship was lost in the darkness but found it's way out of murky waters by the Sun high above. It's ran into many storms along the way. The hull has sustained many hard blows by the treacheries of the deep and mysterious but still has maintained the voyage. Though the crew of mates have interchanged over the years, the captain is still behind the wheel, wether it be a smile or frown. Yo, ho, a pirates life for me...
Ah Atlanta! Atlanta is such a large city. It's insane and I don't like it that much. There is much to criticize and enjoy. I prefer New York City so much more over Atlanta.
NYC is a more planned out city, more lawful pedestrians, and better means of public transportation.
Atlanta is a hectic city that is not planned, grew too fast, has jaywalkers on every street and test the limits of drivers, people don't know where they're going, people don't know how to drive, and the public transportation sucks.
I've found some people to hang with and potentially be friends with at the BCM here. BCM means, Baptist Collegiate Ministry; basically a Christian organization on campus supported by the Georgia Baptist Association. The people there have made Atlanta feel like a home to me, even though it's such a scary place full of weird and crazy people.
I am greeted by homeless people everyday on my walk to chorus and international business class. It freaks me out so much but I have gotten kind of used to it. It's just very unnerving walking to class and then back to my bus stop.
I am thankful that I don't have to drive much in the Midtown/Downtown world of Atlanta. The place that I stay at has bus shuttles, which helps so much. Ah, well. I want to write more but I need to go to sleep. I have to go back to Atlanta in the morning so I can be there in time for my SPAN 2203 (Intermediate Spanish III) class. Yayyyyy.....
Today I was really bored I didn't do anything I'll play PNF about an hour I am not typing this I'm actually talking to my computer the new operating system on my Apple Computer's really cool hopefully you can check it out.
I wish there something to do I'm bored mowing the lawns talk to know hello face it's been really hot today but I mention I'm bored.
This thing is like Siri but it needs a lot of work and it is having trouble understanding what I'm saying sometimes hopefully it'll get better soon.
I wish I could talk to this like Siri I wish Siri was on my computer I wish phone I can't wait for the new iPhone, whenever that is.
The more I talk into this dictation program more it seems it be getting better with my voice I guess my computers understanding my voice I don't know this is weird computer listening to me.
So far the only thing that the dictation service does not do is add periods every now and then ill and added, but it won't matter. So that's a good son talking out. Something I need to be worked on the work Apple.
So did it added. As weird it still needs to work on its words and needs more work needs an update can't wait for I OS 6 in the phone on there I said before.
hahaha ok. So, all of that above. I did not type. Cool, right?! Sorta. I was using the new dictation program in Mac OS X Mountain Lion. It seems to work just like Siri and types what you say. It says that it tries to learn your voice, too. It needs a lot of work though.
I need to get back into the habit of blogging again. I really do. I miss it and it should keep me off of Facebook longer. I miss the days of MSN Messenger or AIM and just reading everyone's blogs and such. Now that I look back at that time, I had no idea what a blog really was nor what dangers the internet actually. Luckily, I did not share too much of myself with the world. I do wish that I could have my old blog back that blogdrive took from me. God, I wish I could read those ancient blogdrive entries I once had. I got into so much trouble with that old blog. I'm not going to say what or why but it had a LOT of stuff in it.
I was bored and went through old cell phone pictures saved onto my computer and I'm surprised with myself. I was retarded younger, haha. I was always worried about what people thought about me and my face. I look back now at pictures and I wish that I had cut my hair shorter. I didn't look like a complete retard that I thought I was at that time.
I'll be finished with MGC in about a week! I'm excited! I'll have three associate degrees. lolz yeah, three associates in four years. I wish I knew what I wanted to do as a freshmen in college. I always think back to if I did change my major to something and kept it at that. I don't know where I would be now.
I'm excited for my future college plans.
Random. Growing up I've noticed how I've changed. I feel that I've become more antisocial, because of school not putting me into contact with people all the time and seeing the same people in the same town. I feel like I've been slowly falling from church, which isn't a good thing. That's a post for another day but it's something that has really been eating me up inside.
I've gotten to where I share less information online and pictures for sure. I hate people stealing my ideas and photos. I take decent pictures most of the time and I ALWAYS find people stealing them and not giving me credit. It makes me sick. So now, I slap a copyright brush to my photos and upload them to Facebook for about a month and then just randomly delete it after I know everyone included in the album has seen the pictures.
I'm scared about my future. I don't know what is yet to come. I need a girlfriend. I'm scared to tell this girl that I like her. She means a lot to me, mainly because we share so many things in common but are still opposite. I'm just scared of rejection. I've been emotionally hurt by many people and mentally abused by my sister and mother for so long.
I feel like I know who I am now and what I want in life. I've traveled so much since high school, it's crazy. I've been to (places I actually walked foot on) Florida, Alabama, Tennessee, Virginia, Washington, D.C., Maryland, New Jersey, New York City (all five boroughs), Michigan, Utah, and Nevada. I feel privileged and despised.
My sister has stopped talking to me. That's another story. I've also been reading a lot lately. I've read Hunger Games, Catching Fire and the Steve Jobs biography (well I need to finish it) and I need to finish reading Mockingjay.
I'll update later. I need to fix my sleeping cycle. I hope I can accomplish that this week.
Just another self reflection upon life and wondering why things happen to people for various reasons. I was just re-awoken at how small my life is in correspondence to others around me. I've been living in the "me" world and not really looking outside of the windows to my self or my soul. The only thing to break me out of this place is the reconnecting with my self and my music. Wait, I think I just to break myself away from the world and yet I'm trying to reconnect with myself? Ugh, get it together.
A lot lately, or rather, recently when I have sat down to practice piano I have broken down inside. I fall apart at the beautiful music that is coming from the hands before me on the set of ivory, even though it's not in tune. It's just enough to grab me from inside to break me from the world I see all around. This world I enter is peaceful and ambient and everlasting, I'm reminded of all my blessings past, present, and what may come ahead.
Just a few weeks ago my cousin, Justin, called me. Yes, the one that was near to death a few times just last summer. He called me to check up on me and to see how I was doing and where I was in life. I talked with him for a little while and he's normal except a little slow but that is to be expected from the condition he was in. I wish that I would have turned off the TV and got off of my computer to talk to him more. He wanted me to call him back sometime and I said that I would think about it.
When I returned to my piano, it reminded me of how blessed I am. Blessed that I have not had any serious accidents. Blessed that I have an education, house, clothes, food to eat, and a little bit of spending money. I'm blessed that I have an inquisitive mind and talent for music.
I think that also lately I have finally gotten over my issue with my eyelid, Ptosis, with keeping my hair short. I so wish that I would have realized this when I was in high school. I wish I had better self-esteem back then for myself instead of trying to cover up everything. My life would be slightly different now, for sure, if I did change a few things like that. I don't even notice it anymore and it's amazing that once you reach adulthood, people your age don't ask questions about it. I think it's that they're afraid and people usually don't ask until they get to know me better. I would really like for it to be fixed though because of it causing vision problems when I get sleepy.
When your outside starts to decay is when I feel my inner being trying to invade through other means of creativity. This usually comes about by a simple picture or a song through piano or through me simply telling someone how much I care about them. I was thanked again for a letter that I wrote to a friend around Christmas and I told her how she has changed my life and how I gave her encouragement and to never forget to follow your dreams. I found out tonight that if one lady did not stick to her dreams that my life would definitely not be the same as it is now; JK Rowling. :]
Well here's one of my newest favourite songs to play.
Hey blog of crazyness I haven't been here in a while.
So much and so little has been going on in my life since the last update. I don't even remember when that was because I haven't checked.
I do know that I have gone through a few haircuts and a lot of tough decisions and stupid mistakes but hey doesn't that make us more human? I guess so. I feel like reminiscing on the past but I stop myself in my tracks when I realize that I know it will not get me anywhere. It's stupid to reflect longingly on such grander times of my life. I know I need to make the best of what there is before me in order for me to move on with the many defeats of my self doubt.
I've changed my mind about college again. Hah. This makes the fifth time that will be an actual change. It will still be in the same path as the previous one except for the lesser amount of math that I would have to challenge myself to take; Calculus I and Calculus II. I have also felt that I should study more into Spanish. I don't see why I should when it was one of my worst subjects in high school but suddenly now in college I have one of the highest grades in my class. I also tutored a high school student in Spanish. I guess I have acquired a calling for foreign languages.
With the word foreign brings up many memories from my childhood. I was also casted out as the alien or foreign one not because I was not borne in America but by my appearance. It's something that still plagues me to this day. Lately though I've been getting over my facial appearance because I know that it has just been keeping me behind a safety net to the real world. I need to find the motivation to break away from my social awkwardness and make something for myself.
Aside from that I'm traveling to New York City this weekend with two friends since around the time of middle school. They may have even come up a few times on my older blog and quite possibly this one. I just hope that we have a safe trip and loads of fun and don't get mugged or run out of money.
After our return on Sunday night I have to pack for a full week of 4-H camp at Rock Eagle as an Adult Leader Chaperone, which will be fun and another vacation. My summer is slowly starting to fill up; sort of. Well I'm off to play some Phase 10 with a family friend.
A lot of things have happened in the past three weeks. I've finished my second year of college, another year to go to finish my Associates. Hey, I didn't know what I was going to be doing my freshmen year. I was just getting used to life after high school. Everything is scary and new.
I've had a cousin, that I used to be close with but not now because of family feuds, have a near death experience and is lying in a hospital bed right now. He may live his life as a vegetable because of brain injuries. From this experience I have learned a lot about my life right now and just many other things. Mainly, to see how small I am.
Other than that I've just seen how some people waste their life away. I've seen how people that don't have a job or ones that drop out of high school or college live. Ever since my last final I have been sitting at home, bored as can be watching tv, cleaning, staying up late and waking up late. I hate it. I absolutely hate. I hate that I'm wasting valuable days of my life on the couch, when I could be studying something or changing the world. Ugh.
Plus, I've also realized how smart I actually am (not trying to to boost my low ego). But I really have ever since I met people on my mums side of the family or well my aunt's ex family through her ex husband. My cousins Jeremy and Justin (Justin is the one that was in the accident) both dropped out of high school. Their dad lets them run around like crazy children, always has ever since the divorce when we were all young. They only had like one or two years of high school left and they just waste it away. Especially, Justin the youngest. He's been wasting his life away with drugs and alcohol and he's the same age as my sister. People in Alabama don't know how to live right, apparently.
That part just makes me sick. Then I realized that out of all the kids from my mum and her sisters, Rachel and I are the only ones that are going to college. I think only one or two others actually graduated high school. It made me feel special or too smart because I'm the only kid from out of all of them of my generation that is in college.
Mums birthday was on May 19 and I made her a birthday card for her 41st birthday, haha. But I wrote her "Happy Birthday, Momma!" in 10 different languages. I realized then either how nerdy I am or how smart I am that I had the patience or enthusiasm to translate that for her and write it out in ten languages. I knew how to say it in two languages other than English. That just makes me feel...I dunno. Amazing. Made me realize how blessed I am to live where I do and the experiences that I have had the bad and the good. That all of those have helped shape me into the person that I am today. Wow.
On a side note from all of that I realized how childish my mums' family is. They always fight, everywhere and all of the time. My mum fights with her sisters so much and then at times they can be friends. I guess that's just a side effect of being a family. But at times they can pull together to be on the same team. I witnessed this just over a week ago when my cousin Justin was in his four-wheeler accident.
I'm not really sure on the story anymore because it has been changed from person to person. Justin and his girlfriend Amanda were riding on the four-wheeler and Amanda had cut her foot so Justin was speeding to take her back to the house. I found out later that they were actually drinking beer before this happened. So they were going over 80mph and hit a deer. Amanda fell off it first and then the four-wheeler went along a little further throwing Justin off of it about forty feet away; the deer fell instantly. Justin was not wearing a helmet and if he were he would be in better shape than he is now. But Amanda only had a few scrapes and bruises. Justin had/has a few cracked ribs and a double punctured lung along with a very bad head injury.
I spent two days in the hospital waiting room and then to see my cousin like that, after so many years of wondering what he looked like, was just awful. He was so beat up and I am so surprised that Death did not take him. He was so lucky to be airlifted to the hospital as fast as he did. It has made me weary about four-wheelers now when people don't have their helmets.
But to take you, the reader, up to speed with current things. I've seen my family pull together slightly for once because of things being torn apart. My Aunt Judy had Justin with David S. They later divorced after several years. Aunt Judy went through lots of relationships and a few husbands, I think. David remarried to this lady named Carolyn. When we went to visit Justin in the hospital, Carolyn was so nice to let us stay in their house while her and David stayed at the hospital that night. She was so nice then but I guess everyday since then she has gotten irritated with my aunt.
My aunt is a little crazy and no more comment on that but I love her to death. She's my mums fraternal twin sister and I think I look more like her than my mum anyway, haha. But this week Justin was transfered to a special hospital in Atlanta for brain injuries. From me eavesdropping on my mum I learned about the whole situation. The hospital staff from Atlanta came down to talk to Justin's "parents". They only talked to David and Carolyn. When my aunt tried to go talk to the lady, the hospital lady got mad. My comment on that, "Wtc lady? She is his b.i.o.l.o.g.i.c.a.l. mother not his step-mother".
The next day back in the hospital my Aunt Judy and Aunt Jan get banned from the hospital (also my mother, too from what she found out later but mum was already back home). This part didn't make sense to me. Because why would you kick out the biological mother just because her ex-family doesn't want to see her anymore, when that is HER son back there on the table.
Arguments pursued because the hospital lady was offering an apartment to the "parents" of Justin in Atlanta. So my aunt asked if she could stay. Carolyn replied, "no. Justin's girlfriend and Jeremy and Jeremy's girlfriend and David and I will be in the three bedroom apartment". My comment, "Woa...woa..wtc? If you want to get technical there is only two people that should be allowed to go if you wanted to make it true 'blood' related would by Aunt Judy and David. Jeremy and Justin are only half-brothers but I don't think Jeremy knows that yet or if he did he would not believe it probably....ugh"
As my aunts were being escorted off of the hospital campus, something else happened to thicken the plot. The hospital security guard took my Aunt Judy to the sidewalk on the far side of the hospital or took her back to the McDonald House where she was staying. They made her walk, too. When she got to the McDonald House she found out that she was banned from there, too.
That does not make any sense to me, at all. I feel really bad for her and I just want to make the story known about what is going on and what they don't see. They, being David's family, see my Aunt Judy as a crazy lady that wasn't there for her kids when they were growing up and has a loud annoying voice. That isn't true though. Ugh.
I despise divorces because they make everything so complicated for everyone. I wish people would just stick with the same person that get married to and if they didn't want to get married they shouldn't have done so. Also, to make it less complicated. People should not have sex unless they were married. Why? Because sex is for creating a family, sure it might have pleasure but still. That's not what is designed for. Sex should only be available to people that have a band around their finger and a certificate to prove that they are legally married. Because if not and they have an illegitimate child it makes things so complicated. Especially for the child when their "parents" get remarried or something else worse, they do not know which is family or not.
So to make things worse. Amanda, Justin's girlfriend, decides to post her feelings about my aunts' banning to the hospital on Facebook. Of course, I saw this. I replied to the effect of something that she is his mother and without her there would not be him and she would not be in the position that she is now. She obviously, didn't like my response so she sent me lots of rude comments and such. She called me ugly on my new picture and IM'ed me asking if I was going to say more. I know how she is after seeing her for two days at that hospital. She has a big mouth for a little girl and is not afraid of what she speaks.
Well, I messaged her saying that I did not want to be in the middle of all of this drama. I told her my history with Justin and that side of the family and how I felt about her being the way she was. She replied, "I'm truly sorry." I told her that I forgave her and I haven't heard a word from her since. She deleted her Facebook. She's probably talking trash about me now, oh well. I told her that she can't get rid of family by blood. She said back to the comment on the status that I nor the rest of my family was "allowed" to see Justin in Atlanta.
Oh, it angered me. I'm like whatever little Alabama girl, you're in my state now and my Atlanta. :] She can't tell me what I can and can not do, especially since she is two in a half years younger than me. Whatever chick.
I'm at ease with the situation though, it just really angered me. Ugh. That's just an update. I wish I knew how he is doing now but I guess I won't because his father's side of the family are making us out to be the bad guys in the picture. Oh, I hate this feeling. :[ It sucks. It sucks so bad that my cousin is in the freaking hospital lying at deaths door and I can not see him... :[ They fear that he may not be able to talk or do anything, he may be paralyzed. Honestly, I don't see Amanda with him after a year if he is in the same condition. She has only been with him for almost a year and she's graduating high school or graduated this year.
He can only move but not where he wants to and look at people. He can't make emotions on his face. He only shows pain by his face turning red. It's just a sad situation entirely. I hate it. I know I've said that word several times in this whole entry, oh well. I need to get to sleep because the talent show is tomorrow and people are expecting me to be there to record it or parts of it.
Life is a game. A game that I've been playing now, for twenty years. I've learned that not everything is Chutes and Ladders nor like Go Fish. Life has its ups and downs, excitements and disappointments. Life is a game that we play from the day of our birth to the day of our death, the starting line towards the finish. It seems so easy at first when we're little because we have so much help in the first couple of years of the game. But when we start getting more freedom we discover how life is a challenge and only the successful proceed far into this game of life. The weak fall out or request assistance or they take something to put them on the sidelines and sometimes a speed walk towards their finish line.
This game has two endings that are determined for the person upon their spiritual decision. Not everyone goes to Heaven when they cross their finish line and receive the gold medal. Nor does everyone that goes to Hell receive a participation ribbon for their actions and deeds throughout life. Once the game has ended you're judged on who you know and how you have lived your life since. This is where we meet the Creator of the game of life and ponder as to how its made and the background tasks that keep it going. It's a lot of work and not everyone finishes evenly. But that's all in the box of life somewhere in the instructions that must be sought out in life some say it's in the form of basic instructions before leaving Earth. But not all who are within the game of life accept that as the true instructions to live. But that's for each player to decide, the choice is where they ultimately end up at. Simple as that but complicated in the whole process of living in flesh. We all go as fast as we came and pass the torch on to the next players. :]